Results 1 to 2 of 2
  1. #1
    Brandon Quina

    Rules for Evil Awnsheigh :)

    Okay Okay Okay :) If you've read them before, bear with me :) Here
    are some rules for evil overlords-- easily usable by any awnsheghlein
    :) Enjoy:)

    - --

    This list is Copyright 1996 by Peter Anspach
    . If you enjoy it, feel free to
    pass it along or post it anywhere, provided that (1) it is not altered
    in any way, and (2) this copyright notice is attached.

    Being an Evil Overlord seems to be a good career choice. It pays well,
    there are all sorts of perks and you can set your own hours. However
    every Evil Overlord I've read about in books or seen in movies
    invariably gets overthrown and destroyed in the end. I've noticed that
    no matter whether they are barbarian lords, deranged wizards, mad
    scientists or alien invaders, they always seem to make the same basic
    mistakes every single time. Therefore, if I ever happen to become an
    Evil Overlord:

    1.My legions of terror will have helmets with clear plexiglass
    visors, not face-concealing ones.

    2.My ventilation ducts will be too small to crawl through.

    3.My noble half-brother whose throne I usurped will be killed, not
    kept anonymously imprisoned in a forgotten cell of my dungeon.

    4.Shooting is not too good for my enemies.

    5.The artifact which is the source of my power will not be kept on
    the Mountain of Despair beyond the River of Fire guarded by the
    Dragons of Eternity. It will be in my safe-deposit box.

    6.I will not gloat over my enemies' predicatment before killing

    7.When the rebel leader challenges me to fight one-on-one and asks,
    "Or are you afraid without your armies to back you up?" My reply will
    be, "No, just sensible."

    8.When I've captured my adversary and he says, "Look, before you
    kill me, will you at least tell me what this is all about?" I'll say,
    "No" and shoot him.

    9.After I kidnap the beautiful princess, we will be married
    immediately in a quiet civil ceremony, not a lavish spectacle in three
    weeks' time during which the final phase of my plan will be carried

    10.I will not include a self-destruct mechanism unless absolutely
    necessary. If it is necessary, it will not be a large red button
    labelled "Danger: Do Not Push." The big red button marked "Do Not
    Push" will instead trigger a spray of bullets on anyone stupid enough
    not to disregard it. Similarly, the ON/OFF switch will not
    clearly be labelled as such. There will be no Plug.

    11.I will not order my trusted lieutenant to kill the infant who is
    destined to overthrow me -- I'll do it myself.

    12.I will not interrogate my enemies in the inner sanctum -- a small
    hotel well outside my borders will work just as well.

    13.I will be secure in my superiority. Therefore, I will feel no
    need to prove it by leaving clues in the form of riddles or leaving my
    weaker enemies alive to show they pose no threat.

    14.I will not waste time making my enemy's death look like an
    accident - I'm not accountable to anyone and my other enemies
    wouldn't believe it.

    15.I will make it clear that I do know the meaning of the word
    "mercy"; I simply choose not show them any.

    16.One of my advisors will be an average five-year-old child. Any
    flaws in my plan that he is able to spot will be corrected before

    17.All slain enemies will be cremated, or at least have several
    rounds of ammunition emptied into them, not left for dead at the
    bottom of the cliff. The announcement of their deaths, as well as any
    accompanying celebration, will be deferred until after the
    aforementioned disposal.

    18.My undercover agents will not have tattoos identifying them as
    members of my organization, nor will they be required to wear military
    boots or adhere to any other dress codes.

    19.The hero is not entitled to a last kiss, a last cigarette, or any
    other form of last request.

    20.I will never employ any device with a digital countdown. If I find
    that such a device is absolutely unavoidable, I will set it to activate
    when the counter reaches 117 and the hero is just putting his plan into

    21.I will design all doomsday machines myself. If I must hire a mad
    scientist to assist me, I will make sure that he is sufficiently twisted
    to never regret his evil ways and seek to undo the damage he's caused.

    22.I will never utter the sentence "But before I kill you, there's
    just one thing I want to know."

    23.When I employ people as advisors, I will occasionally listen to
    their advice.

    24.I will not have a son. Although his laughably under-planned attempt
    to usurp power would easily fail, it would provide a fatal distraction
    at a crucial point in time.

    25.I will not have a daughter. She would be as beautiful as she was
    evil, but one look at the hero's rugged countenance and she'd betray her
    own father.

    26.Despite its proven stress-relieving effect, I will not indulge in
    maniacal laughter. When so occupied, it's too easy to miss unexpected
    developments that a more attentive individual could adjust to

    27.I will hire a talented fashion designer to create original uniforms
    for my legions of terror, as opposed to some cheap knock-offs that make
    them look like Nazi stormtroopers, Roman footsoldiers, or savage
    Mongol hordes. All were eventually defeated and I want my troops to have
    a more positive mind-set.

    28.No matter how tempted I am with the prospect of unlimited power, I
    will not consume any energy field bigger than my head.

    29.I will keep a special cache of low-tech weapons and train my troops
    in their use. That way -- even if the heroes manage to neutralize my
    power generator and/or render the standard-issue energy weapons useless
    - -- my troops will not be overrun by a handful of savages armed with
    spears and rocks.

    30.I will maintain a realistic assessment of my strengths and
    weaknesses. Even though this takes some of the fun out of the job, at
    least I will never utter the line "No, this cannot be! I AM
    INVINCIBLE!!!" (After that, death is usually instantaneous.)

    31.No matter how well it would perform, I will never construct any
    sort of machinery which is completely indestructable except for one
    small and virtually inaccessible vulnerable spot.

    32.If I am engaged in a duel to the death with the hero and I am
    fortunate enough to knock the weapon out of his hand, I will graciously
    allow him to retrieve it. This is not from a sense of fair play; rather,
    it gives me the oppertunity to kill him while he is distracted..

    33.No matter how attractive certain members of the rebellion are,
    there is probably someone just as attractive who is not desperate to
    kill me. Therefore, I will think twice before ordering a prisoner sent
    to my bedchamber.

    34.I will never build only one of anything important. For the same
    reason I will always carry at least two fully loaded weapons at all

    35.If my supreme command center comes under attack, I will immediately
    flee to safety in my prepared escape pod and direct the defenses from
    there. I will not wait until the troops break into my inner sanctum
    to attempt this.

    36.My pet monster will be kept in a secure cage from which it cannot
    escape and into which I could not accidentally stumble.

    37.Even though I don't really care because I plan on living forever, I
    will hire engineers who are able to build me a fortress sturdy enough
    that, if I am slain, it won't tumble to the ground for no good
    structural reason.

    38.I will dress in bright and cheery colors, and so throw my enemies
    into confusion.

    39.All bumbling conjurers, clumsy squires, no-talent bards, and
    cowardly thieves in the land will be pre-emptively put to death. My foes
    will surely give up and abandon their quest if they have no source of
    comic relief.

    40.All naive, busty tavern wenches in my realm will be replaced with
    surly, world-weary waitresses who will provide no unexpected
    reinforcement and/or romantic subplot for the hero or his sidekick.

    41.Any and all magic and/or technology that can miraculously resurrect
    a secondary character who has given up his/her life through self
    sacrifice will be outlawed and destroyed.

    42.I will not fly into a rage and kill a messenger who brings me bad
    news just to illustrate how evil I really am. Good messengers are hard
    to come by.

    43.I will see to it that plucky young lads/lasses in strange clothes
    and with the accent of an outlander shall REGULARLY climb some monument
    in the main sqaure of my capital and denounce me, claim to know the
    secret of my power, rally the masses to rebellion, etc. That way, the
    citizens will be jaded in case the real thing ever comes along.

    44.I won't require high-ranking female members of my organization to
    wear a stainless-steel bustier. Morale is better with a more casual
    dress-code. Similarly, outfits made entirely from black leather will be
    reserved for formal occasions.

    45.I will not employ devious schemes that involve the hero's party
    getting into my inner sanctum before the trap is sprung.

    46.I will not turn into a snake. It never helps.

    47.I will not grow a goatee. In the old days they made you look
    diabolic. Now they just make you look like a disaffected member of
    Generation X.

    48.I will not imprison members of the same party in the same cell
    block, let alone the same cell. If they are important prisoners, I will
    keep the only key to the cell door on my person instead of handing out
    copies to every bottom-rung guard in the prison.

    49.If my trusted lieutenant tells me my Legions of Terror are losing a
    battle, I will believe him. After all, he's my trusted lieutenant.

    50.If an enemy I have just killed has a younger sibling or offspring
    anywhere, I will find them and have them killed immediately, instead
    of waiting for them to grow up harboring feelings of vengance towards
    me in my old age.

    51.If I absolutely must ride into battle, I will certainly not ride at
    the forefront of my Legions of Terror, nor will I seek out my opposite
    number among his army.

    52.I will be neither chivalrous nor sporting. If I have an unstoppable
    superweapon, I will use it as early and as often as possible instead
    of keeping it in reserve.

    53.Once my power is secure, I will destroy all those pesky time-travel

    54.I will offer oracles the choice of working exclusively for me or
    being executed. Those that take more than two seconds to respond will
    be killed either way.

    55.When I capture the hero, I will make sure I also get his dog,
    monkey, ferret, or whatever sickeningly cute little animal capable of
    untying ropes and filching keys happens to follow him around.
    Not that the key will be anywhere near the hero.

    56.I will maintain a healthy amount of skepticism when I capture the
    beautiful rebel and she claims she is attracted to my power and good
    looks and will gladly betray her companions if I just let her in on
    my plans. I will then lie to her, and see if she betrays me.

    57.I will only employ bounty hunters who work for money. Those who
    work for the pleasure of the hunt tend to do dumb things like even the
    odds to give the other guy a sporting chance.

    58.I will not rely entirely upon "totally reliable" spells that can be
    neutralized by relatively inconspicuous talismen.

    59.I will make sure I have a clear understanding of who is responsible
    for what in my organization. For example, if my general screws up I
    will not draw my weapon, point it at him, say "And here is the price
    for failure," then suddenly turn and kill some random, totally reliable

    60.If an advisor says to me "My liege, he is but one man. What can one
    man possibly do?", I will reply "This." and kill the advisor.

    61.If I learn that a callow youth has begun a quest to destroy me, I
    will slay him while he is still a callow youth instead of waiting for
    him to mature.

    62.I will treat any beast which I control through magic or technology
    with respect and kindness. Thus if the control is ever broken, it
    will not immediately come after me for revenge.

    63.If I learn the whereabouts of the one artifact which can destroy
    me, I will not send all my troops out to seize it. Instead I will send
    them out to seize something else and quietly put a Want-Ad in the
    local paper.

    64.My main computers will have their own special operating system that
    will be completely incompatable with standard IBM and Macintosh
    powerbooks. They will also have a virus protection program -- just

    65.I will make the main entrance to my fortress standard-sized. While
    elaborate 60-foot high double-doors definitely impress the masses,
    they are hard to close quickly in an emergency.

    66.If one of my dungeon guards begins expressing concern over the
    conditions in the beautiful princess' cell, I will immediately
    transfer him to a less people-oriented position.

    67.I will hire a team of board-certified architects and surveyors to
    examine my castle and inform me of any secret passages and abandoned
    tunnels that I might not know about.

    68.If the beautiful princess that I capture says "I'll never marry
    you! Never, do you hear me, NEVER!!!", I will say "Oh well'' and kill

    69.I will not strike a bargain with a demonic being then attempt to
    double-cross it simply because I feel like being contrary.

    70.Finally, to keep my subjects permanently locked in a mindless
    trance, I will provide each of them with free unlimited Internet access.

    - --
    Brandon Quina

  2. #2
    David Sean Brown

    Rules for Evil Awnsheigh :)

    These ruels are great! I'm gonna have to present them to my PCs so they
    know what to expect in the future :)


Thread Information

Users Browsing this Thread

There are currently 1 users browsing this thread. (0 members and 1 guests)

Similar Threads

  1. Dispel Evil
    By Arjan in forum Main
    Replies: 0
    Last Post: 11-05-2011, 01:01 AM
  2. Evil Domain
    By Arjan in forum Main
    Replies: 0
    Last Post: 11-05-2011, 01:01 AM
  3. DM=Evil
    By NinjaCorps in forum The Royal Library
    Replies: 21
    Last Post: 10-31-2003, 02:38 PM
  4. New Awnsheigh for my campaign.
    By Birthright-L in forum The Royal Library
    Replies: 8
    Last Post: 10-01-2002, 11:03 PM
  5. How do you deal with evil without being evil yourself?
    By Lord Eldred in forum The Royal Library
    Replies: 63
    Last Post: 04-06-2002, 01:38 PM

Tags for this Thread


Posting Permissions

  • You may not post new threads
  • You may not post replies
  • You may not post attachments
  • You may not edit your posts
BIRTHRIGHT, DUNGEONS & DRAGONS, D&D, the BIRTHRIGHT logo, and the D&D logo are trademarks owned by Wizards of the Coast, Inc., a subsidiary of Hasbro, Inc., and are used by permission. ©2002-2010 Wizards of the Coast, Inc.